Lazy man's EXTRA mild chili (So you won't need Prilosec after)

1. Get some chili powder
2. get some burger 1-2lbs (what ever kind you like...Turkey /puke, Cow, Chicken, Bambi's Mom, etc)
3. Get some chili mix (cheapie stuff or expensive stuff in the bag)
4. GIANT CAN of Tomato Sauce.  (I'm talking about the giant-you-need-two-hands-to-carry-it can, if you can't find it, you can use 5-6 regular sized 16oz cans)
5. Beans (again, whatever you like...kidney, chili, black, white, etc) (yes you can skip this if you are offended)
6. Mushrooms (I love mushrooms in me chili!  whoot whoot)
7. Peppers (Whatever you like.  If you want extra mild, DONT USE ANY)
8. Celery (sue me I like cooked celery but HATE, H-A-T-E carrots)
9. other stuff from your fridge that you think might be good in chili.  Be CREATIVE!
10. sour cream (as a topping to taste, let people put it in their bowls, don't cook it in there, bad stuff will happen, and you will get sued)
11. CHEESE (look at 10...its a topping for taste)
12. Crackers (the food, not the crazy people, again for taste, don't cook it in there...)

ok, you have your ingredients.  GREAT!  WONDERFUL!!!!!  HURAH!    Now comes the hard part.  You need to collect the following utensiles oh god, I want spell check.  oh damn the fucking bird again, flying by my window, which is inside a building, inside another building... oh yeah chili...huh oh yeah the list:

1. Crock Pot.  (6-7 quart, YES THE BIGGIE)
2. pan (to brown the burger)
3. knife (cut stuff up)
4. cutting board...(really? you don't know what that is for?  don't read this if you know what a cutting board is for...)
5. big spoon to stir stuff

OK you gotz yer utensiles (spell check?).   Now for the directions....  damn bird....

1. plug in crock pot
2. turn on crock pot (keep warm atm)
3. open tomato sauce
4. poor in tomato sauce into crock pot
5. girn, your making chili...(You attempt to grin, but due to a typo, you get a stupid look on your face)
6. poor in 1/2 of the chili mix.  (IF you don't want it extra mild, put it all in at your own risk)
7. STIR
8. smile, your makin chili!
9. CHOP celery.  Small as you like, usually people don't want it so big it falls off the spoon
10. CHOP mushrooms (unless you are cheap and buy em in a can already sliced, LIKE ME!)
11. CHOP peppers if you choose to use em.
12. /cheer, your making chili!
13. put pan on stove
14. turn on range top where pan is located
15. pour in 5 spoonful of the tomato sauce with the chili mix (this will make it so your burger doesn't stick, and adds flavour)
16. put in your burger
17. brown burger
18. while your burger is browning (keep checking on it to stir every once in a while, DON'T LET IT BURN!!!!!)
19. Put celery and mushrooms into crock pot
20. stir crock pot
21. open beans
22. drain beans
23. rinse beans
24. pour beans into crock pot (keep checking on your burger here)
25. stir
26. SCREAM HAPPY THINGS, YOU IZ MAKIN CHILI!
27. Turn crock pot to HIGH
28. wait for burger to finsih browning
29. wait for your burger to finish browning too
30. strain burger (the oily stuff is fat, you don't want fat...fat is like me, bad, throw it out...no keep in the guild, um...)
31. pour burger into crock pot
32. STIR
33. wait 1 hour
34. STIR
35. Wait 2 hours
36. STIR
37. turn crock pot to low
38. wait 1 hour
39. STIR (keep doing 37-38 for 5 more hours or not, it is really done after 2 hours, but it gets better the longer it cooks for)
40. using spoon, put chili into bowl
41. add stuff to make the flavour better in yer eyes, sour cream, cheese, crackers, extra chili powder (depending if you like yers hotter)
42. EAT
43. /creamyourpants you just made and ate chili

Fucking ass bird leave me the fuck alone, I AM INSIDE 3 BUIDINGS, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE....